Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to DELETE everything unpleasant from my blog or even from my poetry collections. I did this in the past because I thought that starting over should mean literally starting completely anew…
However, as I thought about my life last night and what I’d like to blog on (for the Life in View part), I realized that every time I have started anew in my life, whether in blogging, publishing, poetry, or even spiritually…
I have not started from scratch. I have taken lessons I have learned, painful experiences, fulfilling and happy experiences, and spiritual understandings and misunderstandings with me to mold the future new growth in my life.
I gave serious thought to deleting posts about my divorce and bipolar disorder. People aren’t exactly kind about the latter, and I realized I still have a temporary and permanent orders hearing along with a dissolution hearing before I am truly divorced in the state of Colorado. I think the stress of the situation in which I found myself, and the intense focus I was directing toward filling out forms and making sure they were certified and served had led to a misunderstanding in my mind regarding the divorce process in this state. It is actually a lengthier process here in Colorado than it is in Alabama. I was disappointed and fell into a shallow rut of depression after this was made clear to me, but I plan to reinstate the protection orders to completely no contact (even at court) after the hostile court facilitation meeting I experienced with my spouse.
If you are a person who does not want to manipulate and who tries to avoid conflict, you have difficult choices to make when divorcing a physically and emotionally abusive spouse. Your spouse does not share your values. If he or she did-divorce would not be likely. Any attempts on your part to be reasonable, make open plans regarding children, and any attempts to make restraining orders more lax to facilitate communication on the grounds that you have children together, and they benefit from two parents who get along (even if not married) leave you vulnerable to the controlling pressures of your spouse, the fury he or she feels because “you” caused him or her to suffer their own consequences (not their choice of actions), and frequent intrusions such as lies about not paying the rent when he or she has paid the rent-to unsettle your mental state by abusing your nature. If a spouse loves you, he or she will nurture you-not torment you with your depression and anxiety.
It is tempting to take this person back; I still feel twinges. Not because our marriage was wonderful. Not because I think he will change. Rather, I feel intense guilt our children are suffering through this divorce as well and immediate alleviation of their pain is an attractive option when I’m feeling depressed. Though when I am feeling well and more rational, I know that divorce will teach our girls that they should be respected, loved, and cared for without threats of death, threats of the spouse committing suicide if they don’t take him back immediately, being assaulted, being isolated from friends and family, receiving insults about their abilities and natural talents, starvation (in case they become too heavy), and without consistent failures to help care for them when they are sick from any type of malady (whether emotional, physical, or spiritual).
I don’t plan to wallow in pity on Life in View about my divorce. I do want to blog on the more positive aspects of my life as there are many, but I cannot hide the interior pain in my life at this time regarding my pending divorce.
I do hope these posts help not just myself through expression, or my girls, but other women who may be living in similar circumstances.
Thanks for reading and have a blessed day!
Blogging has been on the back-burner while I’ve been adjusting to the changes in my life. I’ve been married since I was 20 and the transition to single motherhood at the age of 33 while also under the strain of a difficult divorce has been a constant drain on my immediate attention.
Adding Pierre to our family has been both a blessing and a challenge in that he is still very much a puppy; I’ve never truly been a huge fan of the stages of puppydom!
But he has helped my depression immensely and has eased the deep loneliness I feel when returning from the morning drop-off school run. He has also been a great source of happiness and cheer for the girls who love to tease him and taunt him with such things as long tree branches with only one leaf attached to the end-as if he were a kitty cat!
Since I didn’t upload the photos of our pumpkins (mine caved in because I over:-)-I am including the wonderful pumpkin my oldest daughter, who is ten years old, carved along with this noticeably late post.
I plan to blog more regularly beginning near the middle of December. By then, my life should be falling into place after the divorce status meeting on November 23rd; the good thing about Colorado is that there is no waiting period after that date-unlike my home state of Alabama.
It is difficult divorcing as a Christian, especially as a newly baptized (2009) Catholic, but living in an abusive situation isn’t God’s plan for marital life. Going through the hospital and court process has been embarrassing, humiliating, a strain on our children, but, ultimately, it was necessary to transition my life (and the lives of our girls) to a healthier life filled with external experiences and positive encouragement. Thankfully, the girls and I have been blessed with the gift of being counseled by an excellent psychologist with many years of experience in what we are experiencing.
This Thanksgiving, I will be grateful for a chance to start a life that is healthier in mind, body, and spirit for both myself and for the girls….even if the months preceding have been arduous and challenging.
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday season!
Below are various photos taken with my phone over the past month. The girls enjoyed going to the pumpkin patch, having their faces painted, and riding ponies with Larry and Sharon this past week.
Today, and yesterday, the girls, I, and Pierre, all spent time at the park since it is scheduled to snow this coming Tuesday. Trying to enjoy all the fall weather while it lasts!
Earlier, we took a trip up to Bear Lake (pond)…ok…I’ve cut all my hair off since then…but the thing about hair is that…it grows back!
Tomorrow, I should have our pumpkin carving photos posted. My oldest daughter carved hers already and it looks amazing! She’s 10 and did a better job than I have ever done as an adult!
Thanks for checking in:-)
Have a wonderful and blessed Sunday!
I love October! I love the russet and golden leaves. The chilly air. The beautiful sunrises and sunsets. Pumpkins. And the best baking season kick off of the year!
This October, I’m going through a divorce and have no funds left over for baking at the moment.
However, pretty soon my predicament should improve enough to allow for some holiday baking to begin!
Today, the girls and I are going to read about how to use our pumpkin carving kits and attempt our first ever decorative pumpkins. Normally I just hack away at one with a big knife…LOL!
Even though my favorite month is progressing under the strain of divorce, it will give way to the seasons of Thanksgiving and Christmas-both of which I anticipate to be a lot more cheerful.
Have a happy autumn, October day!
Normally, I do not like to share my problems with the world. Over the past few years, I’ve finally opened my shell, or rather, it was cracked by life, and now, though I’ve tried to pull in the fragments, gaping holes remain that expose my soft interior to harsh worldly elements.
What am I talking about?
Being sexually abused. Nervous breakdowns. Living in a domestic violence situation for over a decade.
I always thought I could handle whatever I was surrounded by-that I could make myself thrive in complete chaos or unhappiness, but the truth is, I’m slowly dying.
Years have gone by and I have spent those years not even truly living. I’ve lived as a hermitess trapped by my own insecurities, failures, and fears.
Part of me wants to have instant relief. To remove myself from a bad situation so that I can start anew immediately. The problem?
Because it was difficult, I chose to acquiesce and tried to live out normalcy without struggling for ultimate freedom from abuse. I prolonged the suffering by going back each time to work things out with my husband.
I’m so exhausted from threats, being cut off from money I need to purchase gas, groceries and medicine with, and from being bombarded with false promises of change that I feel emotionally tapped out to the point of needing a transfusion of life into me.
Leaving an abusive marriage isn’t easy. Especially if you have been abused as a child or teenager and figured life was brutal and that all people lived in such conditions…
Right now.
I’m waiting for November 23rd like farmers wait for rain…
On that day, I’ll start a new life as a free woman…
Until then…
I’m hiding in my proverbial den until it is safe to emerge.
Is an insidious malignant growth in our society. We try to justify our behavior by referring to “our team of lawyers” or we merely try to impose unfair restrictions in hopes that the people we are trying block will give up and move on to another place-so that we are no longer bothered or hindered by their presence…
It must be a cold and callous way to live. To think your own view of the world is the most precise. To judge without empathy or compassion…
To assert when you have little knowledge-or rather-preconceived notions about why people do what they do in this life.
Discrimination happens…
It isn’t justifiable for any reason you attempt to assuage yourself with mentally or emotionally.
Discrimination is blocking people with a verifiable right to live and thrive and be productive…
By asking them to prove to you something to such an extent that it fully exposes the person and leaves them with their dignity laid bare for all to gawk.
Discrimination.
You can, instead, choose to be compassionate, empathetic, and to respect that each individual leads a life you may never understand.
Thoughts for today….
I’ve lived in Colorado for 2 years now and haven’t even gotten to know my neighbors until now which makes me feel sad that I missed out on their friendship all of this time.
Today, I spent time talking with good friends on the phone; I even ran my phone battery down which is a rare event for me.
I spent time in the sun.
Time with the girls at the pool with a neighbor friend and her three daughters…
And I came home to find a package of milks (almond and half-and-half), broth, and organic eggs because my neighbor knew my ulcer was flared up and she thought to make sure I had something that wouldn’t hurt my stomach too much. The milk and half-and-half for an up-coming coffee and tea hour.
I think I’ve just lived in my little shell for too long and have truly missed out on friendships close to home.
This evening, I reflected on what I could do in return-to show my appreciation…and well…life is happier when one’s thoughts aren’t solely focused on the individual self.
I’m blessed to have met wonderful people where I live and thankful to be surrounded by such nice and warm people.
I pray that you all have the same experience with friendships in your immediate neighborhoods.
Have a good night!
My host provider, InMotion, was hacked last night and my site was covered with an ugly black screen proclaiming the genius of a Bangladeshi Hacker.
I’ll be rebuilding Life in View today, and I’m definitely going to back up my site just in case InMotion is breached again-in the future-or overnight.
Thanks for your patience!
