Currently viewing the tag: "divorce"
Since my last blog post. I have had awful bouts of anxiety. So bad that I couldn’t organize my writing or even just focus on anything other than getting through my divorce paperwork-which was all jumbled up because I’m not a lawyer, would never want to argue or deal with arguments for a living or [...]
Since my last blog post. I have had awful bouts of anxiety. So bad that I couldn’t organize my writing or even just focus on anything other than getting through my divorce paperwork-which was all jumbled up because I’m not a lawyer, would never want to argue or deal with arguments for a living or on a daily basis, and because I don’t understand exactly why we can’t compromise and work things out without needing a “trial” of some type. I don’t even know what is contested. All I see, at this point, is that I horribly accused my husband of giving me a concussion and he went to jail-and now-it’s all my fault. How is this a trial? What is it supposed to achieve?
I’m not a mother who believes a man can parent every other weekend and two weeks in the summer; I think that is a horrible arrangement for any parent (father or mother). While trying to manage my own irritations and frustrations-I also sat down with my girls and asked them what visitation schedule made them feel comfortable.
While I respect that children should be left out of the financial squabbles between parents, I do think children should be asked what parenting time is comfortable for them. I think it is important to let children feel heard during the process. It gives them a sense of importance and power over their lives-in fact-this is why I left my marriage-to be able to make decisions for myself and to teach my girls how to make decisions without a man making decisions for them that do not even involve their own thoughts, feelings, and aspirations.
Am I perfectly saintly at this?
No. Not really.
I would prefer to have my girls all to myself-so I know they are always safe and with me-just as they have been all of their lives up to this point; however, I have also had to realize that my girls need some freedoms in their own lives and begin their progress toward maturity. Both are well past their infant, baby, and toddler stages-though I think my youngest might disagree with that!
Also, I have a lot of hurt feelings that I am trying to set aside so that they don’t hurt the relationship my girls have with their father.
But that isn’t easy.
When I’m angry, I picture my soon-to-be-former husband floating in space-as if earth has lost gravity-with his big cheeks puffed up like a floating balloon…that eventually pops in outer space.
I am aware that this is probably mean, but it makes me giggle-the sight of his puffy cheeks unable to say anything to me that will annoy me. Silenced by the vacuum of space.
Sometimes I think having a funny picture in your mind of the person you are furious with helps with the anger. It helps take your mind off your frustration and just laugh. Laugh out loud.
I haven’t written in a while.
It’s because my divorce will be final on May 18th after the final hearing.
And I have been suffering from horrible anxiety because I hate to argue and deal with unreasonable people who never negotiate-but only want to argue about things that don’t really matter…
But on May 19th-I’m sure I’ll be happy.
I’ve been reasonable and fair and tried to negotiate and have been, for the most part, somewhat stable-despite the anxiety.
I think what is missing in this divorce is a clear understanding that I am my own person, and I can leave a situation that isn’t good for me. I am not forever bound to a civil union I made when I was an atheist wearing blue jeans in an Alabama county courthouse as a naive 20 year old who thought her foreign boyfriend was cute and looked good in his pants!
Thank goodness, I am older, wiser, well-bruised…
I know what it takes to make a relationship work and flourish.
Now, I just need to find a man, in the future, who doesn’t mind bruised up apples so much.
Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!
Today, I took my girls to visit their dad; we had a supervised exchange. I drove 140 miles because his lawyer is unreasonable. I won’t get started on that issue. It will just aggravate me.
On the drive back home, I went through Platteville, CO. I stopped for gas at this old gas station right [...]
Today, I took my girls to visit their dad; we had a supervised exchange. I drove 140 miles because his lawyer is unreasonable. I won’t get started on that issue. It will just aggravate me.
On the drive back home, I went through Platteville, CO. I stopped for gas at this old gas station right next to a spiffy Shell station; the gas was cheaper at the old station. I waited in line. Patiently. Then, the man in front of me asked to prepay his gas. The lady proceeded to shout at us that her pumps were down and she gestured wildly while also saying she didn’t know when they would come back online. I was having flashbacks of Po-dunk Alabama while she was speaking. Could I really have been transported back home in the instant this backwoods Colorado woman spoke?
Ok. So that is mean.
I passed Greeley on my way home. I wanted to go back there, but I just felt like I should get out of town for a change of scenery-to help my nerves settle after leaving my girls.
I kept driving. Thankfully, Fort Collins isn’t that far away.
I planned to stop at the B&N I frequented when I first moved to CO-on Troutman, and I wanted to use my Starbucks birthday gift card that the women’s shelter gave me for my birthday. However, the Starbucks girl said I couldn’t use it there. I felt sad. Irritated. Because this cafe was NOT inside the middle of the store-it is off to the side. And when one moves as many times as I do-I know that the Starbucks in the store-(not on the sides) are part of B&N. But this one is not in the middle-it is on the side-and supposed to be separate-but it’s not. I just said “Ok” and left.
But never mind that.
I went out to my van and looked up the nearest Starbucks on my GPS; it came up the Harmony Starbucks in Fort Collins.
So here I am. Self-soothing. Getting some sun. Feeling overdressed because I’m wearing a grey sweater dress with a cowl neck while this tan lady next to me has her boobs hanging out of her sleeveless top. I have boobs too. Only-you just can’t see them. Because I think I’m too old for that! Plus-I get cold easily-like most old people do.
Harmony Road in Fort Collins reminds me of E. Harmony-the matchmaking site. Whenever I see E Harmony Road on my GPS-it makes me laugh while also thinking grouchy thoughts about how I doubt there is a man out there for me…because…
After years of being in my situation.
I want a man.
I get some offers from them…I passed up dinner tonight with a male friend.
But I don’t know…
I’m sitting here in Fort Collins-in this place of wealth compared to Greeley-and thinking-
I wish these two ridiculous yuppie (read: clueless about art) young men would sit down and stop having theatre practice with their camera right here-and in front of me.
I mean…
They can go outside.
Old ladies.
They are grouchy.
Especially when they miss their children.
It is 6:40 pm on Friday night…and I’ll sit here for a while-maybe an hour or so…
And then I’ll drive home.
With the wind in my hair.
And go to sleep in my empty apartment.
Yes.
You have discovered.
I host pity parties well.
Love to all who read my thoughts…and even to those who don’t.
Have a good night!
Sometimes we have to deal with intimidation and manipulation in our lives. As unpleasant as it may be, if we decide to be ourselves-we usually end up doing what is right and the offending person(s) usually gains nothing but the fact he or she needs to focus more on reconciliatory activities than adversarial activities.
There [...]
Sometimes we have to deal with intimidation and manipulation in our lives. As unpleasant as it may be, if we decide to be ourselves-we usually end up doing what is right and the offending person(s) usually gains nothing but the fact he or she needs to focus more on reconciliatory activities than adversarial activities.
There are people in this world who make a living being argumentative-those people are usually lawyers or people who tend to hire the most argumentative and adversarial ones they can find.
In the past, I let such people upset me. I let them take away my power and strength to not respond or to respond in only a cooperative way. I would also become argumentative and adversarial.
Maybe I’m too old for that kind of activity and it is easier to just be lazy and do nothing; however, I think, when I give myself credit for how I have grown as a person-I try to express my feelings and let the other side cave as a result of the corruption they chose to indulge in as an attempt to take my power and strength away from me.
The struggle with people who intimidate and manipulate reminds me of the Green Lantern movie-most specifically the scenes where Kilowog trains Hal to be a Green Lantern, and he teaches him that the enemy doesn’t fight fair-and that nothing Hal can protect himself with will ever be effective unless his will is strong against his opponent:
Kilowog: Here, let me help you…
[holds out his hand to Jordan... and decks him]
Kilowog: Remember, your enemy, he’s not gonna play fair!Kilowog: [training Jordan] Your constructs are only gonna be as strong as your will, and your will is pathetic!
I love being a science-fiction geek.
It just makes life more illuminating!
Have a good night!
Yesterday, I received the keys to our new apartment. This is the first apartment I have ever rented on my own as an adult (I am 34!). Even though it isn’t the greatest place, the girls and I are so excited. We can’t wait to make it our own little place in the world.
In [...]
Yesterday, I received the keys to our new apartment. This is the first apartment I have ever rented on my own as an adult (I am 34!). Even though it isn’t the greatest place, the girls and I are so excited. We can’t wait to make it our own little place in the world.
In the next few weeks and months, many posts may be dedicated to finding free or used furniture (for nearly free), and how to fix pieces up to decorate a home cheaply but tastefully.
Even though this year has been full of the drama of domestic violence, moving, and divorce, things are about to settle down. The divorce will be final soon and the girls and I are already chomping at the bit to get started decorating.
We are also hoping to start a small garden off the patio! Yay-finally a place where we can dig in the dirt!
I can’t wait!
Have a wonderful and blessed weekend!
Last night, I didn’t sleep well. My mind whirled all my fears around into this funnel of inescapable chaos that extended into my dreams.
Facing fears is difficult. Your body reacts to fear with a racing heart, muscle shakes, coldness, and a mind that doesn’t want to stop and rest or meditate.
However, once you [...]
Last night, I didn’t sleep well. My mind whirled all my fears around into this funnel of inescapable chaos that extended into my dreams.
Facing fears is difficult. Your body reacts to fear with a racing heart, muscle shakes, coldness, and a mind that doesn’t want to stop and rest or meditate.
However, once you face your fears-step into them-you realize how your fears are more about what you think you cannot do-rather than actual danger.
I never thought I could leave my marriage. Start over on my own. I don’t have a stable or loving family to rely on, and I don’t have economic resources from which to draw upon; however, I have learned that I am incredibly resilient and that I have learned how to manage resources in such a way to usually come out on top of unpleasant situations as they arise.
Sure. I make choices that could have been made in a better way, but I have learned from my failures-and from my successes.
Staring down fear means to take on your fears. Accept that you are afraid. Accept you will make mistakes.
And accept that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for because fears usually occur when you think you cannot handle a situation or achieve something important to you; they do not always indicate actual danger toward you or your life.
So keep that in mind if you are hiding from what frightens you most.
Have a great day!
